Pattaya - Thailand
Kaen Hostel, Sailor Hotel - 29/12/22 > 11/02/23

“Mr, you handsome, you want boom boom?”

- Travelling so far has been interesting and exciting. I typically stay in one place for a few days to a week before moving on, so it’s quick and easy to write about, I stayed in Pattaya for 45 days… I have my head in my hands trying to write this one.

- Locked in the shower.
So, you go to a hotel, what’s the first thing you do? Look around the room, glance out the window in disbelief as you’re faced with the wall of the adjacent building, and then inspect the bathroom to make sure it is up to standard. Well, when staying in hostels I’m quite particular about the bathrooms - yes, if you know me, you know. This bathroom has three cubicles, the first is the toilet, and the next two are showers, all with frosted glass doors and cheap plastic door locks. The toilet and first shower door locks were broken; as they’ve been abused by clumsy travellers, you can spin the mechanism but nothing happens, no lock or unlock. I chose to shower in the last cubicle as the lock was still working. Some showers on my travels have only cold water, which isn’t freezing cold like in the UK thankfully, but it’s not pleasant so today was a cold water day. Showering done, I go to unlock the door.. and the mechanism just spins.. Gregor is now locked in the shower cubicle, it’s around 2 pm, so everyone else is away out sightseeing and I’m in a dense concrete building where you can’t even hear the traffic outside.
As there is no shelf in the cubicle, I put my wash bag, clothes and towel right outside the door, my phones in my shorts which I manage to grab from the finger gap under the glass door. With poor signal, I search for the hostel on google maps to find their phone number, I give it a ring and try to explain my situation.. to someone who speaks very little English, “Hello, you want to book room?”, “Hello, no I’m locked in your shower!!”, “Yes sir we have two shower every floor”, “No no, my name is Gregor, I stay here, I’m locked in shower, 2nd floor!”, “Sir that is not ok, I come shower, please wait”. Still on the phone, he goes into the bathroom, “Sir, no one in bathroom?”, “Yo, are you kidding me, I’m locked in the shower, 2nd floor!?”. I hear the sound of doors opening and closing and then in he comes “Sir, why you in female bathroom?”, “Hahahaha you have to be kidding me”, we have a moment of laughter as he says, “I tell boss before, male and female sign on door not good enough”.
20 minutes have passed at this point as I tried to force open the lock, push it, pull it, inspect it to see what’s gone wrong, etc. Stood naked and cold, he asked me time and time again to try the lock, at first I tell him I’d tried everything possible, but he doesn’t understand so I have to play along, trying everything all over again. It crossed my mind, can he see my bits through the frosted glass door as we stand talking? I could see a small screw within the lock and asked him to get a screwdriver, he came back with the biggest screwdriver imaginable.. its no use so I hand it back to him. With the screwdriver in hand, he begins wedging the glass door against the concrete surrounds to bypass the lock. I stand back and pray the glass doesn’t shatter. He is successful - Hurrah! He swiftly opens the door to reveal me, cold and clutching my bits in my hands like a child, he throws my towel at me and we have a quick chat before moving on with our day. I was quick to escape the female bathroom!

- Hostel roomy kicked out - The first time I’ve witnessed this in all of its integrity.
Bob Ross time, let’s paint the picture. I’m sleeping in the same hostel as the above story, my room consists of 2 bunk beds, and it’s not like the typical ones you’d have in your house, these are built into the room, ain’t no one shaking these bad boys. I haven’t met any of my roommates due to our different check-in and party antics that night, but as it’s a shared dorm, males and females can share the room, so I’m not sure who to expect. Anyway, I’m sound asleep then boom, 5 am, I hear a girl moaning as if she has banged her toe… and it goes on and on, and on, then I hear a guy’s voice too.. Yup, someone is having sex in the dorm! Now it’s not me on the top bunk, and I don’t think it’s below me either.. but across the walkway, it’s too quiet? It’s nearing 6 am and they’re still going. At this point, I’m passed embarrassed for them and want to give them a high-five, 1) For being brave enough to bring someone back to a hostel, and 2) They’ve been going full rocket mode for the past hour, come on, that’s decent. When I woke up later that morning everyone had already left so I couldn’t gossip. That evening I’m having drinks outside with the receptionist, it turns out the couple having sex were in the bunk below me, and the other two guests in the room reported them, so they were kicked out that morning! What a shame. I know it’s not the nicest thing to witness in a dorm, but it wasn’t like two ogres going at it causing an earthquake.

- Pattaya, the sin city of the world, the sex capital.
No words can describe how different this place is compared to normal life.
IF IF IF, you want to pick up girls, you can pick them up anywhere you go, 7-11 convenience store, the gym, walking down the street, a massage parlor, the club, bar, beachfront.. they even have a bondage castle! There is the famous “walking street” which is a street full of bars and clubs, where “freelance” girls go out of their way to find a sugar daddy for the night. There are also girls and ladyboys working outside the clubs on walking street, shouting and eyeing up all the larger 60year old men as they walk down doing the tourist thing. The place is a wash with them honestly, no wonder there are so so many older men retiring here, the way of life is easy, and transport around the city is sublime, cousin? Are you hungry? whatever you want they have it here. And yes, some ladyboys are hard to distinguish between the girls, although here in the Asian community, no one cares about it, if it doesn’t affect them directly they just move on with their day, whereas the typical westerner will stop and stare.

— Summary of other experiences
- If you act like a tourist, they will rip you off, whether in the market for clothes or looking for transport around the city, large tuk-tuks are driving around the city in a loop every minute or so. In the beginning, I asked how much, “300baht” (£7), I declined and found out from a local it’s only 10baht (25p) to go anywhere on the loop.
- I ate breakfast/brunch at the same restaurant most days and formed a little bond with the owner who was an older woman in her 70s, she had worked in many countries over Europe and Asia, and owned hotels and other restaurants. was a touching moment when I said goodbye and she replied “I hope I am still alive when you come back”, oh god.
- Next up, the animal affair we all hate, animals being locked in a cage. I took my friend William to see some tigers in captivity, yes they’re being looked after and also drugged so tourists could pet them. We had a great time although William almost got eaten by one of the tigers, hoping to upload the video footage to YouTube soon.
- Most nights myself and Will would adventure down the walking street or the surrounding areas to play pool and drink beer. Chilling with a mate on our jolly holidays was pretty sweet. I ended up spending 49 days with this guy, I think my dad was starting to question my sexuality!
- As William headed back home to Canada and the hotel cleaner kept prompting me, “No one stays in a hotel this long, you have to go, go now, go”, I eventually took the hint and booked a taxi back to Bangkok to fly to Cambodia!